Something Inside So Strong

The higher you build your barriers, The taller I become
The farther you take my rights away, The faster I will run
You can deny me, you can decide to turn your face away
No matter, cos there's....

Something inside so strong, I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone
Oh no, something inside so strong, something inside so strong

The more you refuse to hear my voice, The louder I will sing
You hide behind walls of Jericho, your lies will come tumbling
Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine
My light will shine so brightly, it will blind you
Cos there's......

Something inside so strong, I know that I can make it
Though you're doing me wrong, so wrong
You thought that my pride was gone,
Oh no, something inside so strong, something inside so strong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-i9CUAAHN0

For Those Who Think

For those who think he will treat the next one better

than he treated you...

© SMB

Christmas a Little Early....Can You Help?

Noah Biorkman is a 5 year old boy who is in his last stages of neuroblastoma cancer after a 2 1/2 year battle. His family is celebrating Christmas this week and all he wants is Christmas cards. Let's try and see how many we can get to him from all over the world.

His address is:

Noah Biorkman c/o 99.5
WYCD 2201
Woodward Heights Blvd.
Ferndale, MI 48220-1511,
USA

Please re-post this to help spread the word about Noah!!

The Lies

When dealing with a narcissist (or a person with borderline), we face one major problem, and this is the narcissist's attitude towards lying.

While the majority of people will have learned that not only that lying brings about devastation and destruction, it ultimately leads to total isolation and loneliness. This is, it hinders any sincere communication and hence the narcissist will find her/himself increasingly on the outside and excluded.

However, as much as the narcissist notices this isolation and reacts with increasing panic, it does not bring about a modification of the narcissist's coping strategy.

The attitude of the narcissist towards lying is very childish and simple: If the narcissist lies and gets away with it, (s)he interprets this as being clever and superior to others. In this sense, while common sense clearly sees lying as a social ill, the narcissist views lying as an excellent tool to obtain what (s)he wants and as a means to demonstrate how stupid others are.

A person now, who wishes to engage in real communication and shows openness will be viewed by the narcissist as an utter fool who deserves to be exploited. Willingness to communicate and to show openness will be seen be the narcissist as weakness and stupidity.

When dealing with a narcissist, extreme care must be taken and events need to be recorded. It also is important to communicate with others who have to deal with the narcissist in order to counter-act splitting. This is, the narcissist uses lies in order to set up people against each other. In general, this is quite simple: The narcissist tells a person A that person B doesn't like person A and the same the other way round. This then prevents A from talking to B and hence both parties can be manipulated through the narcissist's lies.

While a normal person will be embarrassed when found out lying, not so the narcissist. The narcissist will see this as a threat to her/his superiority and will straight away think of ways of how to overcome this threat and this is by forming new lies.

To say it in one sentence: For the narcissist lying is fun and a tool, and anybody who doesn't lie is a fool in the eyes of the narcissist. Trying to communicate with a narcissist is therefore pointless.

Dr. Ludger Hofmann-Engl

Danse Macabre

You may feel love for abusive individuals. You may feel compassion and concern for them. You may know that they could be wonderful, incredibly productive and giving people, if only they weren't -- abusive.

And you may be entirely right, but taking this attitude is only going to harm you, unless you stay out of the dance. Because, no matter how much you love them, no matter how great your compassion and justified your concern, no matter how wonderful and productive and giving they could be, the fact remains: they are -- abusive.

You can tell yourself they don't know what they're doing, if that helps you detach with love; but YOU know; don't deny or minimize it. Don't lose sight of what they do, what it means, and how it has affected you.

You don't have to hate them, you don't have to mistreat them, you don't have to feel contempt for them. But you also don't have to let them keep you spinning in a never-ending pas de deux of pain.

(for the rest of this article, please click here)

Selective Amnesia

HOW QUICKLY THEY FORGET

Selective Amnesia is the abuser’s phoney defence of very conveniently forgetting anything that does not support his case. Suddenly he can’t recall anything he ever did wrong, only whatever he can manage to twist to make himself look innocent, and make you look like the villain.

Many of us have had our abusers claim innocence and pretend they have no idea what we are talking about when we rebuke them for their behaviour. If we are finally driven to cut ties with our abuser, or strangely enough, even if he is the one to cut ties with us, sooner or later, he will claim to have no clue what he did wrong.

The main characteristic of Selective Amnesia is that it only goes one way. Rest assured that your abuser will have no problem at all remembering things he thinks YOU did wrong. You were ‘always a problem’ and he will miraculously have an infinite variety of ‘memories’ at his instant disposal to prove this point.

In order to avoid accountability whenever you confront her about his behaviour, your abuser will deflect the conversation and attention away from what HE did, and focus it on YOU. He will have a photographic memory of every ‘mistake’ you made although he will not remember what he was doing to you that forced you to stand up to him. Of course, he will twist and embellish these incidents to make you look even worse. And he’ll also throw in a few completely fictitious episodes just for good measure.

But remind him of anything he did wrong, and he will suddenly develop brain damage. A look of bewilderment and hurt may cross his face as he tearfully denies what you are saying. Or his head may turn a shade of purple you’ve never before seen on human skin as he screams that he never did any such thing and you are a liar. Either way, it will be an Oscar-worthy performance. How dare you accuse him of mistreating you after all he’s done for you?

You may be momentarily confused, thinking that, perhaps because the abusive incident you mentioned was a few weeks or months ago, maybe he really doesn’t remember. This is because of a normal person’s natural tendency to give others the benefit of the doubt and not assume malice.

However, if you test him you will no doubt find that he doesn’t remember anything he did to you yesterday, either. He might not even recall torturing you in some way just a few minutes ago. And if by some chance he does remember, a lot will get lost in the translation. He is not going to remember it the same way you do – it will get twisted, denied, and added to until it sounds like either you’re completely delusional, or you are the one who wronged him.

If that tactic fails and you persist in holding him accountable, his last ditch strategy will be to tell you it was “in the past”, and YOU are wrong for not getting over it by now. AHA – so he admits there was an “it”. If “it” was all in the past- then what IS “it”? WHAT exactly is “in the past”? How can he say “it” was in the past if he denies remembering “it”? He will try this even if “the past” was five minutes ago. Of course, technically, EVERYTHING we’ve already done is “in the past”, so by this logic you will have no right to rebuke him for ANYTHING he’s EVER done without being accused of carrying a grudge, because it’s ALL “in the past”. How convenient. You just can’t win.

BEATING YOU TO THE PUNCH AND DRAGGING YOU THROUGH THE MUD

Most estranged abusers will then take it a step further, and go running to the rest of the family, like the juvenile little cry-babies they are, with lies about how you ditched them for absolutely no reason, when they never did anything wrong. This is part of the smear campaign an abuser will wage against his victim, getting to other people first before the shell-shocked victim can pull herself together, and lying about everything that happened between you, to make himself look like a saint, and you look like the one who is at fault.

“Punishment by Proxy” is typical in a ‘Lord of the Flies’ dysfunctional family.

The truth about why my relationship with my brother broke up is that I had finally begun setting limits on his abuse. But somehow he neglected to mention that little detail while he was busy trashing me and lying about me to the few relatives who could be easily influenced into taking him seriously. He took full advantage of the knowledge that his audience was too ignorant to question that his accusations against me just didn’t add up, and that it was obvious he must have been leaving something out. This is one example of an abuser’s Selective Amnesia.

Another example is the abuser who will look you dead in the eye and claim to have no clue what he did to upset you, even though he has been plainly and clearly told, in no uncertain terms, exactly what he did. The only reason he “doesn’t remember” is that he CHOOSES not to remember, because it’s not advantageous to him to admit the truth.

THE DEVIL’S ADVOCATE

Some abusers will confront their victims in person and claim innocence. Then when you give them specific examples, they deny, lie, blame you or someone else, and in general refuse to take responsibility, apologize, or make amends. They are just looking for an excuse to keep you talking and interacting with them, so they can argue with everything you say instead of showing any remorse (see the article “Desperate Measures” on the site linked below). Once again, you will be the one put on the defensive, trying to justify and explain your position, while they tell you it never happened, they don’t remember a thing, or it’s in the past and you need to ‘get over it.’

Other abusers, however, either can’t handle a direct confrontation with you, or realise that you will refuse to speak with them. So they will enlist other people to do their dirty work for them, a Devil’s Advocate, if you will.

They may point-blank ask another relative to contact you on their behalf. Or, they will go on and on, crying a river to anyone who will listen, pretending they love and miss you so much and have no idea why you won’t have anything to do with them, and in general acting as pathetic as possible. They will keep this performance up until some meddling busybody takes pity on them and decides to “intervene” (translate: butt in) by calling you and either volunteering to “help” you patch things up, or criticising YOU for hurting your abuser (see the articles in “ The Silent Partner & The Silent Majority” section on the site linked below).

When this happens, the family budinski may pretend that she just can’t stand to see the family having problems, and took it upon herself to call you without your abuser’s knowledge. This is a LIE, told to make you think the “well-intentioned” budinski really is neutral and is not taking sides, and that you can trust her not to repeat whatever you might say. But you can be sure that she will report every detail back to your abuser, who knows perfectly well that she is calling you because he either put her up to it or manipulated her into doing it.

Almost every abusive family has at least one attention-grabbing narcissist who will be more than happy to exploit your situation so that she can take the credit for trying to “make peace” between you and your estranged relative. She will just soak it up as others praise her for having the courage to get involved and trying to “help”.

It makes her feel important to have everyone know about the noble and selfless thing she did. She will pry and ask you all kinds of nosy questions that are none of her business in a sham attempt at ‘finding a compromise’. Then she will be the big-shot with the inside information that everyone else wants to hear. So he will be sure to announce it at every family gathering, discussing your conversation, in appropriately hushed tones and with a look of sombre concern, with anyone who seems interested, and repeating everything you said, whether in confidence or not. She will use your pain to get attention and make herself look like a hero. A meddler is not the family “peace-maker”, she is the family GOSSIP. Of course she has to broadcast her “selfless” act, because, after all, if no one knows about it, what’s the point?

Trust me on this. I guarantee that if you confide in the meddling budinski, you will be a topic of conversation at every family gathering for at least the next five years, and probably much longer. The best defence against this abuse by proxy is to refuse to discuss the relationship between you and your abuser with any third parties. Remember that just because the donkey brays, doesn’t mean you have to answer him. Just say “Thanks for your concern, but my situation with my brother is between him and me, and I’m not going to discuss it with you. It’s private.”

You can also say “Despite what he’s told you, my brother knows exactly what he did, and when he’s ready to make amends, he’ll have to call me himself. My advice to you is don’t get involved and don’t believe everything you hear.” Hopefully, your meddling go-between will take the hint and back off before you have to tell her point blank to mind her own business.

FOUR BASIC PRINCIPLES OF SELECTIVE AMNESIA

1. Abusers will only choose to “remember” whatever will make them look innocent, and make you look bad. Anything they don’t want to remember will be conveniently forgotten. Except for the things they will claim are “in the past and you need to get over it and let bygones be bygones”. However, be aware that, by the abuser’s definition, “in the past” includes abuses he inflicted upon you yesterday, an hour ago, and five minutes ago. EVERYTHING he even halfway admits to will be “in the past”, and therefore off-limits for you to confront him on without being accused of carrying a grudge.

2. When your abuser claims to have no idea what he did wrong, HE IS LYING. He knows perfectly well what he did. He will try this ploy even if you have told him point blank and in no uncertain terms exactly what he did wrong, argued with him and protested his mistreatment for years, and repeated your complaints dozens of times. And yes, even if you have written him a detailed, 10-page letter listing a few decades worth of examples, which he has no doubt read a couple of hundred times. He has seen your distress every time he hurt you. In fact, that was his reward for hurting you and the reason he continued to hurt you. Because he loved knowing he COULD. You probably complained, rebuked, confronted, cried in front of him, fought with him, and tried in vain to set limits, for years, if not your entire life. And nothing worked, leaving you no choice but to end it for your own survival. There is no way he does not know what he did. That is a lie. He only has Selective Amnesia because it serves his purposes to conveniently “forget”.

3. If you take the bait, AGAIN, and tell him what he did, AGAIN, he will only use it to involve you in a lengthy discussion AGAIN, in which he will lie, AGAIN. He does not really want to know the answer to this question. He is not going to respectfully listen to your complaint, carefully consider what you have to say, admit guilt, and try to make amends. He is only going to argue with everything you say, just like he always has. It will be the same old pattern it always was, and you will be the one who winds up aggravated, stressed out, upset, and on the defensive (see ‘ Desperate Measures ‘ on our site). You will just be wasting your breath. And he will probably use the fact that you’re even talking to him as a golden opportunity to bicker, criticize, rant and rave, vent his spleen, get things off HIS chest, and upset and abuse you all over again. Who knows when he’ll get another opportunity to tell YOU a thing or two? After all, that is what he really missed – not you as a person and a loved one, but you as a TARGET.

4. It does not pay to attempt a nice, reasonable discussion with an abuser. You are deluding yourself if you think you can ever make him understand, admit anything, or be accountable in any way. No matter what he claims, he has no interest in resolving your issues. He only wants to bait you into another endless argument so he can pick up where he left off when you disowned him, and abuse you some more. Reconciliation is not his goal. Upsetting you some more, just like old times, is his goal. It’s a power thing. He just loves pulling your strings, claiming amnesia, lying, and denying everything you say, watching you get all worked up, and knowing he still has the ability to do that to you. If you answer an abuser who claims he doesn’t know what he did wrong, you will be playing right into his hands. The best response is to refer him back to whatever letter or email you sent in the past, say “You have already been told what you did. I’m not going to repeat it.”, or to simply state, “If you really don’t know what you did, then we have nothing to say to each other”, and end the conversation.

IT WOULD TAKE FOREVER TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU DID WRONG, AND I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME

How do you list 20, 30,40, 50 years of abuse? How do you put it into words? Abusers want to know “what they did wrong” as if it was merely one or two incidents, that could be discussed and settled in a few minutes. But it’s not. It’s a LIFETIME of incidents, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more years; hundreds, if not thousands, of times. It’s overwhelming. It’s not one or two obnoxious behaviour types or hurtful episodes. It’s a PATTERN of ongoing, continuous, unrelenting evil. It just never ends, until we leave.

When my brother feigned innocence and wanted to know what he had ever done wrong, the first thought I had was “Where do I begin?” The feeling I had was just hopelessness. I had to bite my tongue to keep from asking him “Do you want it alphabetically or chronologically?” If I took him at his word, and began chronicling 50 years of abuse, it would have taken months. The time, not to mention the emotional toll, would have been devastating.

As it was, I tested the waters with only one small example, and that resulted in an explosion of rage and more abuse, certainly not in even a shred of remorse. He didn’t really want to hear what he had done wrong. He just wanted me to say ANYTHING, so that he would have an excuse to attack me, just like old times.

After seeing this, why on earth would I continue trying to give him any more examples? Just so that he could keep me talking to him, and involve me in a six-month long argument? When you recognize this tactic, it is vital not to allow the abuser to take control of the discussion. My brother’s reaction was my cue to end the conversation, because it was going nowhere and would not accomplish anything. It was not going to solve any problems, and it was not going to be beneficial to me in any way to continue. If I had allowed myself to be dragged into it any further, I would have been playing right into his hands.

YOU’RE ALREADY PARANOID, SO I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU THAT IT IS YOU

The problem with trying to explain to our abuser why we divorced him is that it’s not so much what he DID, it’s WHO HE IS. Or rather, WHAT HE IS. With an abuser, it is NOT any one incident. It is not just his behaviour, IT IS HIM. It is the kind of person he is that we don’t want to have anything to do with. Abusers are evil, wicked, demonic people. Their behaviour is merely an outward sign, a manifestation of the condition of their souls and the shrivelled up, dead black heart within them.

The reason we stay away is that we have finally seen this. It’s our abuser’s whole persona that keeps us away, not any one incident or behaviour. It’s EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM. It’s his personality, his character, his unrighteousness, his whole evil being. It’s not just this thing or that thing or any of the things he does, it’s HIM!

It would be more accurate to list his personality traits rather than his behaviour as the reason we disowned him. Imagine telling our abuser the truth - that we refuse contact with him because he IS nasty, cunning, spiteful, manipulative, belligerent, treacherous, critical, lying, untruthful, bullying, conniving, deceitful, sneaky, trouble-making, jealous, sabotaging, envious, bitter, sadistic, malicious, selfish, narcissistic, hostile, dangerous, cruel, hateful, psychopathic, and abusive? That’s who he is. Who in their right mind would want someone like that in their life? What normal, healthy person would want to deal with this, or to expose themselves and their children to it?

Our revulsion, repulsion, and avoidance are natural, normal, healthy reactions to exposure to evil. It is our God-given discernment setting off alarm bells in our heads and telling us to run for the hills. We left because we finally realised it was hopeless, and that changing these ingrained characteristics is impossible. Our abuser would have to change his very being, and that will never happen because he has no desire to. He left us no choice but to cut him off in order to protect ourselves and our families.

The only way we can lead healthy, happy lives is to stay away from such evil people. We don’t disown them because of one or two things they did. We disown them because they are unfit as people to have in our lives. My abuser hung up the phone before our conversation was finished, so I never got to tell him that. Maybe someday I’ll have my chance to enlighten him, and he’ll finally get the answer he ‘claims’ to be searching for.

“THEREFORE COME OUT FROM THEM AND BE SEPARATE, SAYS THE LORD. TOUCH NO UNCLEAN THING AND I WILL RECEIVE YOU. I WILL BE A FATHER TO YOU AND YOU WILL BE MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS, SAYS THE LORD ALMIGHTY”…..2 Corinthians 6: 17-18 NIV.

ALL A MAN’S WAYS SEEM RIGHT TO HIM, BUT THE LORD WEIGHS THE HEART….Proverbs 21: 2 NIV.

Adapted from original source here

Ode to a Narcissist (written by 'dogkisses' on wordpress)

I will tell you…

I will tell you I love you. I will tell you I am in love with you.
I will tell you over and over and over again and again.
I will tell you until you believe me.

I will always open doors for you, so you may think
I am a true gentleman.
I will run in the rain to my shiny car for an umbrella,
just for you, my sweet angel.

I will tell you how special you are. I will tell you again and again.
I will tell you how I am absolutely without a doubt sure that you are the one for me.
I will tell you this until you believe me.

I will give you nice gifts. I will tell you it is because you have lived without for so long,
I will tell you how it makes me happy
to see you enjoy these things in life.

I will tell you how I want to help you. I will tell you this
again and again.
I will tell you things that will make you dream of a better future.

I will tell you all the things that I can think of to make you give up on that other man,
the one who treats you with too much love.

I will do all I can to make you think you are the one for me,
that my love is known to me and real.

I will tell you who loves you when nobody else is there for you.

I will tell you not to worry if my love is real my dear,
again and again, over and over, I will tell.

I will tell you your doubts are to be abandoned,
I will tell you this each time you doubt my love.

I will tell you I can help you,
make your life easier.

I will tell you how I want to declare my love for you to your family,
“I will tell them how awesome you are.”

I will tell you how I will exclaim my love for you,
In the future, when I don’t have to hide you.

I will tell you I like your son and family,
I know they are so important to you.

I will tell you it is the truth once you finally start to believe,
all that I tell.

I will work hard to win your heart,
I can, I am very smart.

I will tell you I am doing fine, after that first time.

That first time when I feel like you are going to hurt me.

This — sweet angel — is when everything changes.

I will tell you a first lie,
a second, a third and more.

I will tell you and you will believe me,
then my sweet angel, it will be near the end.

I will tell you little things,
designed to burn a bit and sting.

I will tell you I feel mistreated,
hoping you may not see that it is you being played.

I will use this lie to leave you,
the telling has changed.

I will tell you I am leaving town.
I will tell you not to bother calling.
I will tell you more lies.

I will tell you the truth only when I think it might hurt you.

I will tell you that I almost had an encounter,
I will say that I had to stop because I thought of you.

I will think you must be a dumb little slow-talking country girl.
I can tell you anything and you will believe it!

You, however, will know, what I tell, is a lie, and you will hurt.
I forgot to tell you,
I am detached from my heart.
I am capable of not feeling.

I will tell you I do not feel important enough.
I will tell you how I feel second.

I will tell you how I fucked her.
I will tell you I got hard when I looked at her body.

I will tell you even when you start to cry.
I will tell you how you don’t like for me to lie.

I will tell you I enjoyed it.
I will tell you how I came inside of her.
I will tell you I came there, thinking of you.

You will be stunned.
I will feel like a stud.
I will tell you anything I feel like telling to make myself feel better.

I will tell you all about me because that is what this whole thing with you was,
about me.

I will not tell you that I used you.
I will not tell you how many lies I told to you.

I will tell you I am sorry,
as I walk away at 4 am, no plans to make amends.

I will tell you I probably assassinated one of your plants,
living plants you nurture and love.
I will tell you I had nothing to do with it, of course.

I will leave the broken pieces behind,
for you to pick up alone, after I am gone.

I must hurry to the church!
I will tell God I am there to help.

I wonder if God believes as easily as you,
my sweet angel?

(SOURCE)(written by 'dogkisses' on wordpress)

Bullies & Projection

If you have been or you know of someone who has been targeted by a “bully”, this is vital information. To be accused of something that is not true is devastating for the “target”, it sends him/her into a state of helplessness of not knowing who to trust or where to turn for help as the individual has no idea who the “bully” has spread the “nasty rumors” to. Depression sets in and it is not unusual for the “target” to have thoughts of suicide as the “target” see no other way out of his/her personal “hell”, some sadly go through with it. Others may become physically ill as negative stress can have devastating effects on the body, some research listed below. It is hard to understand for those who have not been “bullied” to really understand how someone else (the “bully”) can be that evil, well, enter the psychopath who has no conscience, no empathy and enjoy hurting others. The latest study; Bullies may enjoy seeing others in pain: Brain scans show disruption in natural empathetic response. Here (May, is an understatement)

“Bullies project their inadequacies, shortcomings, behaviours etc on to other people to avoid facing up to their inadequacy and doing something about it (learning about oneself can be painful), and to distract and divert attention away from themselves and their inadequacies. Projection is achieved through blame, criticism and allegation; once you realise this, every criticism, allegation etc that the bully makes about their target is actually an admission or revelation about themselves. This knowledge can be used to perceive the bully’s own misdemeanours; for instance, when the allegations are of financial or sexual impropriety, it is likely that the bully has committed these acts; when the bully makes an allegation of abuse (such allegations tend to be vague and non-specific), it is likely to be the bully who has committed the abuse. When the bully makes allegations of, say, “cowardice” or “negative attitude” it is the bully who is a coward or has a negative attitude.

In these circumstances, the bully has to understand that if specious and insubstantive allegations are made, the bully will also be investigated.

When the symptoms of psychiatric injury become apparent to others, most bullies will play the Mental Health Trap, claiming their target is “mentally ill” or “mentally unstable” or has a “mental health problem”. It is more likely that this allegation is a projection of the bully’s own mental health problems. If this trap is being used on you, assert “projection” as a defence against disciplinary action or as part of your legal proceedings.

It is a key identifying feature of a person with a personality disorder or psychopathic personality that, when called to account, they will accuse the person who is unmasking them of being the one with the personality disorder or psychopathic personality from which they (the bully) suffer.”

(SOURCE)

How to Fight Off the Narcissistic Vampire

How to Fight off the Narcissistic Vampire:-

Keep him at bay with:

§ the Cross of Boredom

§ the Holy Water of No Contact

§ the Yawning Ignore Him Garlic

§ the Stake of Indifference

§ the Silver Bullet of Exposure

Cathartic Creativity

NO CONTACT

No Contact Means:

• No talking to them no matter what happens and no matter what you hear
• No letting them talk to you, no listening to anything they say, no “hearing them out.”
• No letting them in your house and no going to their house. If it is possible to move, then move, get a PO box, and don't let them know when or where you're going.
• No phone calls and no returning voicemail messages. Change your number to unlisted and unpublished, and do not give it to anyone you can't trust not to give it to your abuser. Never pick up the phone. Screen your calls. Use caller id or let your machine pick up.
• No sending or responding to e-mails. Block their emails and ability to see when you are online
• No meetings to "talk things over" or "work things out".
• No communication at all except through attorneys.
• No cards or letters and no responding to cards or letters. No birthday cards. No Christmas cards. No mother's day or father's day cards.
• No gifts and no accepting gifts. If a gift is sent to you, no acknowledging it and no responding. No returning gifts, cards, or letters. To an abuser, that is a response- it means you are still emotionally connected to them, you still care, and if they keep trying they can wear you down. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
• No exceptions for holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries
• No visits, including hospital visits
• No letting them near your kids. If they're too toxic for you to be around, then they're too toxic for your children to be around. Warn your children to stay away from them. Notify your children's school to call the police if they show up.
• No public pleasantries. If you run into them in a public place, ignore them, turn your back, and walk away. If they approach you, say in a loud voice, "leave me alone!" and "do not talk to me". If they persist or you believe you are being stalked, call the police.
  No discussing them with anybody who has contact with them.
• No speaking at all to anyone who might be pumping you for information or spying on you, and reporting back to them. Cut off anyone who is not loyal to you.
• No listening to any news about them. If you’re absolutely dying of curiosity, listen but do not show undue interest, do not respond, and do not give any information in return.
• No giving other people information about you or your family that they could carry back to your abuser
• No invitations to your big events and no responding to invitations they send you
• No responding to news that they are getting married, having a baby, getting a new job, retiring, moving, taking a trip, sick, dying, or dead
• No big announcements or telling them anything about your life- no letting them know you're getting married, moving, or having a baby. No letting them know when your children get married, where they live, work, or go to school, or when your grandkids are born. Print out e-mails and keep all cards, letters and other communication in a file for future harassment or stalking charges, but do not respond.

No Contact means NO CONTACT. Nothing, Nada, Zilch, Zip, Zero. As if they were total strangers who also happen to be dangerous, deranged, psychopathic stalkers. Which they pretty much are. So why would you not protect yourself and your family from them?

Narcissists do not understand limits, maintaining a comfortable distance, taking it slow, or being cordial while still keeping someone at arm’s length. They only deal in extremes, and must be totally enmeshed with you, with no boundaries or restrictions. It’s all or nothing with them. Because of this, it’s important to accept that it is NOT possible to have “limited” or “occasional” contact- for instance, only when there is a big event like a wedding or funeral. This only sends a mixed message to your abuser, who will interpret ANY willingness at all on your part to communicate with him as a sign that all is forgiven, you’ve gotten over your little snit, and everything can now go back to normal, without him ever having to apologize or stop abusing you.

No Contact is THE END. You have already wasted your entire life trying everything possible to have a nice peaceful relationship, and nothing worked. That's why you reached this crossroads. There is nothing left to try. It’s OVER. It's time to put a period on it, walk away, and never look back. Time to finally live your life. Time to do what you must to protect yourself and your loved ones from evil people who would do you harm.

If you break No Contact, you will only be sucked back in. If you keep No Contact, you will live your life in peace, freedom, and safety. And after it's all over, I leave it up to you whether you go to the funeral or not. If you have moved on with your life and left the past in the past, you won't feel the need to.

Source

Sociopaths

Sociopaths are individuals that lack a sense of responsibility and morality. They may be manipulative but are always consistent liars. Lying is second nature to sociopaths. And they lie just for the fun of it. In 'Without Conscience', Dr. Hare says that "lying, deceiving and manipulation are natural talents for psychopaths. When caught in a lie or challenged by the truth, they are seldom perplexed or embarrassed - they simply change their stories or attempt to rework the facts so that they appear to be consistent with the lie. The results are a series of contradictory statements and a thoroughly confused listener". Sociopaths will lie and cheat to deceive for money, power, control and sex. They seldom stick around to have their lies exposed; instead, they move on to a new neighbourhood or city. The lying and deception, the manipulation and conning are pervasive.

Sociopaths are impulsive and don't spend much time considering the consequences of their actions. According to Dr. Hare "the psychopath carries out his evaluation of a situation - what he will get out of it and at what costs - without the usual anxieties, doubts and concerns about being humiliated, causing pain, sabotaging future plans..." These are the things that people of conscience struggle with when considering possible actions. Sociopaths know the rules but choose which ones to follow. "They have little resistance to temptation and their transgressions elicit no guilt" (Dr. Hare p76). Often times, sociopaths are protected from the consequences of their behaviour by family members, friends and colleagues.

Sociopaths are often glib when questioned about their behaviour. They are famous for not answering the question asked them or they answer in a way to confuse the questioner. Their answers can often seem unresponsive to the question (Hare p139)

Those without conscience engage in certain techniques to 'keep us in line'. The techniques that Dr Stout talks about in her book, ‘The Sociopath Next Door', are charm, risk-taking, gas lighting and seduction. Sociopaths can instantly recognize someone who is trusting and have the uncanny ability to determine a person's weak spots very quickly. Those weak spots will be exploited over and over and over again. Susan Forward, PhD. has an entire chapter of her book, 'When Your Lover Is a Liar', dedicated to describing sociopaths. In the book, she states 'don't forget for a moment that all sociopaths have one vital thing in common: an extraordinary ability to win the loyalty and devotion of the woman they exploit.

Dr. Forward goes on to say in her book "he speaks words of love that sound fabulous, and he seems completely devoted to making you happy. He's calm, not shifty, and confident - never anxious or guilty. If he makes a blunder, he sounds sincerely sorry, and his promises are just what you want to hear". Dr. Forward believes that 'seduction and deception are the twin hallmarks of the sociopath.

Sociopaths don't see you as a person but as an object. We are a means to an end for a sociopath.

Sociopaths have the ability to gain your affection very quickly and a relationship with a sociopath becomes intense very quickly. They say all the right things and do all the right things to get what they think they want for the moment. It is not unusual for a sociopath to provide an endless about of support, running errands, organizing and encouraging you when you need it.

A romantic relationship is just another opportunity for a sociopath to find a trusting partner who buys into the lies. Everything about the relationship is a game. They can be extremely charming in a relationship while doing much damage behind the scenes by having countless affairs and lying about them. He will lie to his latest target while he is lying to his current victim. A sociopath will show his true self when he has his next target lined up and he knows that his current relationship is coming to an end.

Sociopaths fail to fulfil their promises or commitment made with romantic partners. They usually have a string of broken relationships and/or failed marriages due to their inability to feel true love and sustain intimate relationships. They never really form emotional attachments and therefore lack any sense of obligation. It may appear that there is an attachment but it isn't real. According to Dr. Martha Stout in her book 'The Sociopath Next Door', sociopaths will marry but never for love. Their relationships allow them to appear normal. Sociopaths can "know the words but not the music". They learn to appear emotional and romantic by imitating others' behaviour.

Sociopaths show a stunning lack of concern for the devastating effects their actions have on others including wives, children, family and friends. They do not feel remorse, guilt or shame. They are not able to care about the pain and suffering experienced by others due to their complete lack of empathy which is a prerequisite for love. Sociopaths are always takers and never givers in spite of appearances and the illusion they create.

SOURCE

When Others Think YOU May Be The Crazy One

When your moods are swinging all over the place and you are depressed and anxious, you look Bipolar. When you are cranky, highly reactive and want vengeance you look Borderline. When you are scared about what he will do next, if you're being followed, or if he's sneaking around to try to see you do something so he can accuse you, you look paranoid. When you think things are happening that you can't prove to other people, you look delusional.

The issue is these are ALL normal reactions to what is called Coercion, Stockholm Syndrome, and/ or your basic prisoner of war syndrome. In THAT context, your symptoms make perfect sense! You were coerced, your mind was played with, and you felt stuck and held in a pathological relationship against your own spiritual will. You did fear that your emotional and/or physical existence was in jeopardy.

In pathological relationships, women emerge with signs of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, and Coercion. Unfortunately, not all therapists understand the overlap between PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome and Coercion -- which is why you are often diagnosed with 'other things.'

**For the rest of this article and for more fantastically helpful stuff from Sandra L. Brown, please click here

Betrayal

Each of us has a truth of our own buried deep inside, a boundless sea of thought, feeling, emotion, upon which our outward persona sails, dark and stormy, calm and flowing, these are the currents that give us life. We humans are as fragile as any ship ever built and exposing our inner selves is not something we do naturally, an evolutional safety. Once or twice in a life time we may meet someone we feel safe enough with to open our harbor gates and let our true selves flow. It is both a thrilling and frightening voyage, and when it happens, changes us forever.

Being betrayed by someone you trust, changes you even more.

A story of betrayal is never just one story for betrayals don't come that way, they develop from a long legacy of betrayals. The person capable of betraying is incapable of certain thoughts and emotions, and operates from a deficit of character, predictably scripted by a scarcity of human bonding, repeated lacks of nurturing and acceptance.

When our reality has been shattered, we lose all faith and belief in ourselves, in life and the world around us. The one thing we all have, that no one can ever take away from us, is our truth.

SOURCE

Lack of Understanding

“My biggest frustration and source of anger, is at those who have refused to take a stand when they saw the abuse perpetrated by my N ex-husband. No matter how outrageous his behaviour, others often stood by and inadvertently fuelled his grandiosity and denial... although denial is too mild a word for what N’s practice. It still takes my breath away when I recall the casual dismissal of my person by this N. Took me so long to figure it out on my own. Was in therapy for a long time with this person and on my own, no one really helped me to understand what was happening. I have had to figure it out on my own then needed others to know what was happening to heal and help me get away. But it’s so hard to explain unless you experience it up close. I mean people would see the behaviour but never put the whole picture together.”

“It’s been my experience that the Ns LOVE to have some visible manifestation of ‘abuse’ to show off so as to turn their prey into inflictors instead of responders. No doubt your N turned around and solicited the sympathy of his next mark by howling, “LOOK what she DID to me”. And of course, you’re standing there with ‘nothing’ (ha!) but invisible psychic wounds to compare.”

“Anyone who hasn’t been at the frontlines trying to deal with an N...simply cant get their heads around the devastation they cause to ones life. The stories are so bizarre that it’s easier for them to believe that YOU’RE the disturbed one. However, little by little, I am being given understanding and support, and that’s been extremely validating.”

“I got so sick of reading the “poor N, bad childhood, mommy didn’t love him enough, blah blah blah” bullshit with no emphasis on the destruction they constantly wreak in the lives of the people who love them.”

“…I would like to explain (being one of the idiot long term N marriages - 30 years) that I could never express myself to the other woman about what was going on in my life. I was the only non man-basher when the gals got together once a month. I used to listen to them complain and think how very silly they were...they didn’t know how great they had it. How do you explain the horrendous behaviour of an N to anyone unless they see it...how do you tell anybody of the incredibly horrible things they do to degrade you into hell and explain why you haven’t left them”

“Men or women CANNOT express this confusing world to anybody who hasn’t been there. It is HELL on earth. And so is the recovery process. I don’t think I will ever be capable of believing anyone again or taking the chance of any more torture.”

“Non-victims can’t understand this, but the N really does suck the life out of a caring person. I try to think of my N now as a slimy suckerfish right out of the swamp, vacuum-lips out and prowling for someone vibrant and attractive to con and eviscerate.”

“Others around me would get so tired of the whole thing and insinuate that I was perpetuating things. All I wanted was for him to leave me alone.”
“Part of the hurt and damage was done because others could and would not see what was actually happening. He would always try to ingratiate himself to others it was sickening.”

“Usually they can put on the nicest act, and you look like the harpy and bitch, and so everyone takes their side, it is a horror story, an N can be very charming, and manipulative and manipulate the wisest of people.”

“After all those years of walking on eggshells, fearful that I would misstep and cause the irrational rage of my ex, I find myself feeling so absurdly grateful for any bit of kindness. I never realized how much I needed that drink of water in the emotional desert.”

Divorcing the Narcissist

Reaction from the abuser when he is asked a question he doesn't want to answer

Image (amended by me) from http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n242/tusanotte19/tantrum.jpg via http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2009/07/how-narcissist-trains-his-victims.html

Personal post from blog owner

I started this and my two other blogs with the intention that they would be personal journals of my attempt to make sense of the horror that was my marriage.

However, I ended up just using what other people had written because the pain of my own situation was just so overwhelming.

I have reached the stage now where I feel able to start writing my own thoughts and feelings on the subjects that I have been posting.

I can't even remember how I came across it the concept of NPD. All I know is that for about 18 months now (starting before I kicked the monster out at last), I spent 80% of every waking moment finding out everything I possibly could, trying to make sense of my husband's behaviour and how I came to be part of such a hideous nightmare.

I read articles that made my jaw drop with recognition as he fitted the profiles so well.

I bought many books on the subject and nodded in agreement throughout them.

I had numerous "light bulb" moments before and after he left.

I've had enormous support from friends, family, doctors, counsellors etc who all reassure me that it is NOT ME, it is HIM.

Rationality, sense and logic tell me what he is. Yet for a long time I found myself sometimes doubting, questioning, wondering, sometimes even in my head making excuses for him again and thinking, "Was it me? Maybe it WAS me; maybe I DID make him like that?"

I was still on a roller coaster, pinching myself to see if I could wake up from the bad dream.

The good news is that the roller coaster of nauseating sickness, confusion and gut-wrenching pain DOES slowly but surely slow down and eventually judder towards a halt.

My estranged (soon-to-be-divorced thank God) husband spun my reality for 17 years.

And as my counsellor and other support kept reminding me, I was grieving, not for what actually WAS but for what SHOULD HAVE BEEN, which makes the grief so excruciating.

Throughout the years with him I always sensed that although I loved him he didn't really love me, even when he was in Dr Jekyll mode.

Actually finding out I was right was almost unbearable. Whilst our heads tell us the truth, our hearts find it nearly impossible to accept all those "wasted" years of anguish that pushed us to the edge of insanity.

So we look for answers to make sense of the madness and even when we find them we want to reject those answers because they are like salt on our wounds - it stops the infection from spreading and saves our life but it is agonisingly painful.

I would love to say I am past all the agony and the impossibility of properly communicating with a narcissistic abuser but I am unable to cut off contact completely because we have two children.

However, I now try to cope with his blind, infuriating behaviour by repeatedly telling myself that it’s not personal.

His continuing attempts to control me, his rages, denials, secrets & lies, excuses, threats, abuse, blame-shifting, evasion, twisting, gas lighting, crazy-making, bullying, projection, inability to empathise or feel compassion, manipulation, sabotage, inability to understand the concept of cause & effect, his not seeing that bad behaviour has negative consequences, etc etc is not about me. It was never about me. It will never be about me.

It is still all about him.

Sandra

VERBAL ABUSE IS TOXIC

1) Remember that the verbal abuse says more about the verbal abuser than it says about the abused. You may have heard this without understanding why, and therefore not fully trust this to be true.

2) Realize that the actual content of the verbal assault is not about you (the victim); rather, it is a fired-up projection of the abuser. The words, the names, the labels, the messages define the abuser, not the victim.

3) And moreover, it (the verbal assault) typically springs out of the abuser’s insecurity. It is actually the abuser’s effort, both consciously and unconsciously, to regain perceived lost power (whether real or imagined). This is the most important thing to realize. As psychologist Donald Dutton, Ph.D. says, battering is “impotence longing omnipotence.”Regardless of whether the battering is physical, emotional or verbal, see it as a bodily and psychically felt underdog overcompensating. This one insight will save you in the face of verbal and emotional abuse.

Far too often, victims of verbal abuse internalize the message of the verbal abuser. However, if you stop yourself and see this aggression as belonging to and fully about the person delivering the message, you will more likely walk away from the encounter untouched by the content.True, you may be shaken by the noise, but you will discover that this racket is far easier to deal with when you see it for what it is. Just noise.

by Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Deliver Me

Deliver Me - Silent Screams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtz8TmL1j_w

Abusive People

Abusive people honestly believe they are victims and always take every destructive outburst and turn it around so that they are the helpless and hurting party. Suddenly, the perpetrator is the victim and the recipient is the saviour. Quite insidiously, without our awareness, the abnormal becomes normal, as we make excuses for his behaviour and minimize the impact. Simple acts of considerateness are seen as shining stars of promise, illuminating the darkness of depression and cynicism. For a few days or weeks, he is full of kindness, bringing us flowers or presents, complimenting us, taking us out to dinner. Then suddenly, sometimes without warning, it all blows up in our faces as we're accused of expecting too much, of being selfish and thoughtless.

We certainly don't want to be those things, so we apologize and tell him we're happy without all those "extras" -- the extras being mere kindness and common courtesy. All we want is what we see others enjoying and taking for granted -- a peaceful, loving family. Is that too much to ask? And we are willing to pay any price to attain the treasure. Dreams die very hard. We truly believe we are in love with these men when actually we are only in love with the illusion we so cherish and desperately cling to.

Many of us seek spiritual guidance, turning to clergy for prayer, support and direction. We intuitively know the situation is beyond human aid long before we're satisfied with believing we've done everything in our power to make it work. As well-meaning and sincere as religious people are, quite often they only help us to stay in the abusive marriage. I counselled with a preacher during my abusive marriage and was told what I wanted to hear -- that I should continue being a faithful, loving, godly wife and God would bless my marriage. I was told to have faith and to diligently work at being the best example I could be to my husband and God's power would work through me. I was reminded that I'd made a vow not only to my husband, but to God, as well, and if I honoured that vow, I would be rewarded. The single most important factor was omitted -- God does not do anything without our willingness and He will not force anyone to change against their will.

We read books, listen to tapes, even attend marriage seminars and earnestly apply what we learn to our own situations. We are told the promises and guarantees of applying these principles and hear testimonies from successful others. With our spirits revived and strength renewed, we gain fresh confidence and determination, believing we have now found the solution. We are recharged with that false sense of power, thinking we know what to do to make it all better. Everything we learn is true and highly effective in the average marriage. There's only one thing missing -- a sane, rational partner. It doesn't matter how fluently or eloquently you can speak English if you're trying to communicate with someone who doesn't know the language. We continue to treat them like normal adult human beings, expecting them to respond as such. When it doesn't happen, we try harder, applying still more patience, effort and understanding. It's like expecting a man with no legs to get up and walk. But we keep expecting, praying, hoping.

It's extremely difficult to get rid of the notion that he will one day start making up for his wrongs and start giving back all he has taken. We have been loyal, faithful and consistent in the face of impossible odds. We desperately want him to clearly see all the pain and humiliation he's put us through, and realize how loving and patient we've been. We want him to feel the full impact of our suffering by thoroughly putting himself in our skin, and to truly be sorry for the harm done. He owes us a great deal -- time, attention, love, peace of mind, security, stability, dependability, trustworthiness, faithfulness, loyalty, devotion, commitment ... He owes us the absolute fulfilment of his wedding vows and we plan to stay until he finally pays up.

It appears to others that we have no pride whatsoever or we wouldn't stay, yet we are driven by an incredible force of pride -- violated pride turned into anger. Twisted, backwards, but pride, none the less. There's nothing as humiliating as a disloyal spouse, especially in the face of our devotion and loyalty. In the overwhelming shame placed upon us, we become determined to hang on and prove to the world, and to the other women, that he truly does love us. We'll force him to love and cherish us.

The reason we cannot stand up for ourselves is because we daily live with his defensiveness and paranoia, falsely- accusing us and refusing to acknowledge our goodness and sincerity. We are determined to prove our worth, to make him see and admit that we are right and he is wrong, that we are good and he has been bad, that we have been saints and he has been a devil, and that he owes us the return of all the love and loyalty we have invested in him. If we do or say anything to make him mad, that will only give him a reason to defend himself and say that's proof that we are not loving, good- hearted women. We mustn't give him any real grounds to base his accusations on. We must always prove ourselves worthy, noble, honourable. As a result, we are driven to give, do, be, and sacrifice anything in order to prove our worth. We lose our self-worth in trying to prove our worth to him. But it's never enough and we are human -- we make mistakes, we sometimes blow up from all the tension, and these things are unforgivable to him. He waits and watches for us to slip up and make one little mistake or to show one negative quality so he can swoop down and devour us with accusations, insults, mockery, and blame. Unknowingly, we sell our souls in becoming more or less than human, disallowed human needs and emotions. Only he has the right to his feelings and needs while we do not have the freedom to feel any differently than what he wants us to feel or to feel nothing at all.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

I still cannot thoroughly comprehend the truth about abusive people. Any loving, compassionate human being cannot believe that another person is void of love and sensitivity, which is what keeps us trusting and hoping in the goodness we believe we see in these men. It is a fact of human nature that each of us perceives life, other people, and the world in general according to what we are inwardly. Life is our mirror and we see only ourselves in everyone around us. This explains the love we believe we see and the deception the abuser believes he sees. They can certainly "act" loving and sensitive at times, showing guilt, remorse, and heartache. What we fail to recognize is they are only sensitive to themselves, not to anyone else. They are so sensitive to themselves that they are paranoid, constantly fearing that others are out to get one over on them, to take advantage of them, to mistreat them. They have become the very things they fear. In order to guard themselves against being abused, they become abusive. It isn't that they are not void of conscience, as the psychotic murderer is. Yet, their conscience only serves to tell them what they "should" feel and be -- and the problem is, they do not feel what they know they should and have no desire to be what they know they should be. This inner battle enrages them, as they furiously defend themselves through all sorts of justifications and blame. They truly are sick individuals. We somehow sense this and it calls out our compassion and maternal instincts to heal and protect and nurture. That is exactly what these men count on. We believe we can love them back to health and soundness of mind, while they merely need someone to help them stay the way they are.

I think one problem is that the outside world cannot possibly comprehend that any human being could be as cold, calculated and mechanical as the abusive person is. No one, they think, could be completely void of conscience that he could be so abusive without provocation. It must be the woman's fault, at least partially. Thus, we stay for the very same reason.

If he gives us a place to live and food to eat, we are not supposed to want or need anything else. Even those provisions are inconvenient infringements upon "his" money. Everything is "his". His money, his time, his house, his vehicle, his feelings... He will rarely refer to anything in the marriage as "ours". If the wife has a car, it will be "her" car, meaning she is completely responsible for the maintenance and condition. He will not contribute time or money to her car. The children are "hers" too, unless he needs to use them as trophies to brag about, and then they aren't our children but "his". Practically speaking, they are her children and she is completely responsible for their care and for their behaviour. There is very little he will label as "hers", but the minute she gets out of line, he will take what is hers -- the car or the children -- away from her, to punish her, threaten her and thereby put her back in her place. They will almost always use the children to keep a hold of their wife.

Sadly enough, they truly do not care about their own children. That too is impossible to comprehend, but they have not developed the ability to recognize others as being individual people. It's as if they see themselves as the only actual human being on earth. The only "love" they feel for others is actually just loving the way others make them feel. That's the whole of their love-hate relationships.

Others are seen as completely responsible for the way he feels. If you make him feel good, he loves you. If he feels bad, it's your fault and he hates you. They expect wife and children to run to them with open arms, lavishing them with love, devotion and praise, making him feel like a god, and they are to treat him this way regardless of how he behaves, never asking nor needing anything in return. Sometimes, he offers attention and affection, which we are so hungry for that we rejoice and feel satisfied. Our hopes are renewed with the vision of how it could be, having been given just a taste. Pathetically enough, we have been reduced to the family dog, sitting at the master's feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. We are so hungry for love that we thankfully lap up any crumbs we can get and hope for more. This is his control. We are starving to death, managing to survive on the few crumbs he offers, while awaiting the grand feast he continually promises.

We know there will be no peace in our lives unless he is happy, so we do everything in our power to please him. It is not a matter of worshipping him, but one of survival, self- preservation. If he is unhappy, there will be a price to pay. So we keep quiet and try to keep the children at bay. We are constantly taking his emotional temperature to determine how we must act. We must be on guard, prepared to impede a possible disaster. We must anticipate his needs before he makes them known, hoping we've chosen the proper approach. At times, we must smooth his ruffled feathers, pampering and soothing him. Other times, we must become invisible and leave him alone. After all, we are there only for his convenience and if we inconvenience him in any way, we will be punished, if not physically, then verbally and emotionally. No one else in the house can have feelings or needs when dad "doesn't feel good". And when dad does feel good, everyone else must feel good, too, or they ruin his good mood. I

If you are angry, depressed or physically ill, you will either be mocked or abandoned. These men are truly emotional icebergs, entirely isolated and emotionally unavailable. They have built a fort around themselves which is impossible to penetrate and they will protect their walls with violence, just as in any war. To these men, life is a one-man war, and protecting themselves and providing for themselves means survival. They do not trust anyone, nor believe anyone has sincerely good and loving motives. They believe everyone is out only for themselves, ready to destroy anything in their paths, just as they are. Through his belief that the whole of life and humanity revolves around him, we get sucked into that madness and our lives centre on him, trying desperately to prove our sincerity, to earn his trust and acceptance. He sees our attempts at emotional intimacy and our efforts to prove ourselves trustworthy as calculated, deceptive tactics to penetrate his fort and destroy him. The closer we try to get to him, the more layers he adds to his walls of defence, lashing out and pushing us further and further away.

No one can understand why so many of these women go back to their abusive husbands after finally leaving, and they believe she must have some sick, masochistic desire for punishment. That couldn't be further from the truth. We have learned to monitor his mood, taking his emotional temperature before we know whether to talk, laugh, be attentive, or to be completely still and silent. We may need something from the supermarket, but we must first determine his state of mind before we even ask to go. The children may have a problem or a need, but we don't dare bring it up until we are certain the coast is clear. There is a tremendous problem with building and centering your life around someone else. We do not crave the excitement of crisis, the heartache, turmoil nor abuse. Even after we leave, we do not know peace.

We cannot hear the silence nor feel the tranquillity in his absence for the raging storm which continues to blow like a hurricane in our minds. We have lost ourselves in basing every decision and action on him. We have become conditioned to think, feel, and behave according to what we believe someone else expects. We have lost the ability to act independently and base our decisions solely on our own needs and desires. We have learned to base everything we do or don't do on what we believe or hope his reaction will be. For those women who grew up in abusive homes, they have thought and behaved in this manner all their lives and have never known how to be an individual. Without intense, professional help, we cannot learn to function as whole human beings, separate from another. Thus, many go back.

[SOURCE]

Verbal Abuse is Toxic

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Verbal abuse is toxic, especially when you are on the receiving end. It can wear you down, burn you out, and literally change the way you think and feel about yourself. But it doesn’t have to...
Here are some insights that will help you hold your own in the face of verbal abuse.

1) Know that the verbal abuse says more about the verbal abuser than it says about the abused. You may have heard this without understanding why, and therefore not fully trust this to be true.

2) Realize that the actual content of the verbal assault is not about you (the victim); rather, it is a fired-up projection of the abuser. The words, the names, the labels, the messages define the abuser, not the victim.

3) And moreover, it (the verbal assault) typically springs out of the abuser’s insecurity. It is actually the abuser’s effort, both consciously and unconsciously, to regain perceived lost power (whether real or imagined). This is the most important thing to realize. As psychologist Donald Dutton, Ph.D. says, battering is “impotence longing omnipotence.”

Regardless of whether the battering is physical, emotional or verbal, see it as a bodily and psychically felt underdog overcompensating. This one insight will save you in the face of verbal and emotional abuse.

Far too often, victims of verbal abuse internalize the message of the verbal abuser. However, if you stop yourself and see this aggression as belonging to and fully about the person delivering the message, you will more likely walk away from the encounter untouched by the content.

True, you may be shaken by the noise, but you will discover that this racket is far easier to deal with when you see it for what it is. Just noise.
SOURCE

I thought everything was my fault

by Ric Routledge

That first-grader staring out the window at school might not be daydreaming. Instead, he might be thinking about what he saw at home last night - Daddy beating the hell out of Mommy.

Maybe he saw Mommy being taken away in an ambulance and Daddy in a squad car, which means he's without both parents.

"This happens more often than people will ever, ever know," said Alice, a former abuse victim in her 40s who lives in Blackford County and asked that her real name not be used. "They [victims] keep their mouths shut because they are scared, absolutely terrified. Or they have nowhere to go, or they think that no one will ever believe them."

Just why some men, and even a few women, physically and verbally abuse their mates, supposedly their loved ones, is still being debated. But there is no argument that domestic violence is prevalent in our society. Low self-esteem

More than 3 million children are at risk of exposure to parental violence each year, according statistics provided by womensissues.com, and the violence knows no boundaries.

"We as a society think people with more education and wealth would be immune from this," said Bud Edwards, a counsellor at Ball State University. "But there is no respect to class or race. We find the phenomenon across most demographics in this country."

Why men beat up their wives, and why a woman would stay in such a situation is subject to speculation more than science.

"As best we understand it, some factors are similar," Edwards said. "Men with a low self-esteem, and ill equipped to maintain an equal relationship, may have a need to have power in order to make themselves feel good." They are often jealous and control freaks, he added.

"The need for control usually comes from how they get their self-esteem," Edwards said, "They assure themselves they can maintain a relationship and have an air of superiority that they know what is best for their partner. And if her self-esteem is low enough, she may believe him."

Women stay in abusive relationships, according to Edwards, also because of low self-esteem.

"She believes that she couldn't make it on her own when, in reality, she probably could."

Finances are another big reason why women stay, especially if children are involved. He might be the sole provider and she can't see how she could possibly make it financially without him.

"They brainwash you," said Alice, who still fears the man she divorced years ago. "They literally control you, they make constant threats. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and looking like the crazy person. I wasn't but he had taken me to where I couldn't go any further.

"It got so I'd rather he hit me than take the verbal abuse," she said. "You can recover from the bruises but you don't recover from the verbal abuse. God, I hate to think about what it's done to the kids."

Taking the blame

Alice said that for years she thought she was to blame for all of their problems.

"I thought everything was my fault," she said. "If he had run over somebody while drunk I would've thought it was my fault because I should have tried harder. He always said everything was my fault, and I believed him.

"You think maybe it's not real, or that he's going to change, or that it's going to get better the next day. I kept thinking that if I was a good wife he would be different.

"But it didn't matter what I did, I know now, because it made him feel superior."

For former victim Betty, domestic abuse is something she's known since childhood.

"I heard my parents fight when I was a kid," said Betty, who also asked that her real name not be used. "I thought she [Mom] had it coming because she was pretty hard to take. When I encountered it years later, I assumed that I had it coming. If I thought she deserved it, then I did, too."

This happened to Betty during her four-year marriage to a Ph.D. while she was working on a master's degree. That was 30 years ago and the Delaware County resident still hasn't remarried.

"I don't fit any of the stereotypes. That's why I wanted to tell my story," Betty said. "He was a heavy hitter in terms of intellect, very successful. I was 35 when I married him, not exactly a baby."

Warning signs

Both women said they were fooled by their men when they were dating.

"In the beginning he was so nice," Alice said. "He had me meet his mom and dad. I thought he was great. He was sweet and loving - and a monster."

"He was the perfect gentleman when we were dating," Betty said about her former husband. "Sophisticated, had a Shakespearean aura about him."

Signals that someone might be an abuser often aren't apparent at first, Ball State counsellor Edwards agreed.

"It's hard to see these things coming," Edwards said. "It may be that some of these things aren't in place yet, especially if you marry young, or if life circumstances change inside the abuser."

But there are warning signs.

"Look for people who struggle with controlling their emotions, especially anger, and have a history of violence," Edwards said.

"How does this person treat other women in his life? Sometimes it's gender-specific, which is why other guys wouldn't see it."

Domestic violence has remained hidden for a long time, according to Edwards. "We still have a ways to go to academically address this less desirable piece of our culture."

"It's time people wake up," Alice said. "Your daughter could be in a bad situation or your son could be doing it to someone."

 SOURCE

Children and Domestic Violence

Children who live in homes where a parent or caretaker is experiencing abuse are commonly referred to as "child witnesses" or "children who are witnessing" domestic violence. The term "children's exposure" to domestic violence, however, provides a more inclusive definition because it encompasses the multiple ways children experience domestic abuse.

Although caretakers frequently believe they are protecting their children from witnessing their abuse, children living in these homes report differently. Researchers have found that 80 to 90 percent of children in homes where domestic violence occurs can provide detailed accounts of the violence in their homes.

Research studies have proliferated regarding children's exposure to domestic violence, the problems associated with witnessing, and the protective factors that influence their responses to the violence. Children's exposure to domestic violence typically falls into three primary categories:

•             Hearing a violent event;

•             Being directly involved as an eyewitness, intervening, or being used as a part of a violent event (e.g., being used as a shield against abusive actions);

•             Experiencing the aftermath of a violent event.

Children's exposure to domestic violence also may include being used as a spy to interrogate the adult victim, being forced to watch or participate in the abuse of the victim, and being used as a pawn by the abuser to coerce the victim into returning to the violent relationship.

Some children are physically injured as a direct result of the domestic violence. Some perpetrators intentionally physically, emotionally, or sexually abuse their children in an effort to intimidate and control their partner. While this is clearly child maltreatment, other cases may not be so clear.

Children often are harmed accidentally during violent attacks on the adult victim. An object thrown or weapon used against the battered partner can hit the child. Assaults on younger children can occur while the adult victim is holding the child, and injury or harm to older children can happen when they intervene in violent episodes. In addition to being exposed to the abusive behaviour, many children are further victimized by coercion to remain silent about the abuse, maintaining the "family secret."

The Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

Children who live with domestic violence face numerous risks, such as the risk of exposure to traumatic events, the risk of neglect, the risk of being directly abused, and the risk of losing one or both of their parents. All of these can lead to negative outcomes for children and clearly have an impact on them. Research studies consistently have found the presence of three categories of childhood problems associated with exposure to domestic violence:

Behavioural, social, and emotional problems: higher levels of aggression, anger, hostility, oppositional behaviour, and disobedience; fear, anxiety, withdrawal, and depression; poor peer, sibling, and social relationships; low self-esteem.

Cognitive and attitudinal problems: lower cognitive functioning, poor school performance, lack of conflict resolution skills, limited problem-solving skills, acceptance of violent behaviour and attitudes, belief in rigid gender stereotypes and male privilege.

Long-term problems: higher levels of adult depression and trauma symptoms, increased tolerance for and use of violence in adult relationships.

Children also display specific problems unique to their physical, psychological, and social development. For example, infants exposed to violence may have difficulty developing attachments with their caregivers and in extreme cases suffer from "failure to thrive." It should be noted that there also are limitations and uncertainties to the research since some of the children in such studies do not show elevated problem levels even under similar circumstances.

Preschool children may regress developmentally or suffer from eating and sleep disturbances. School-aged children may struggle with peer relationships, academic performance, and emotional stability. Adolescents are at a higher risk for either perpetrating or becoming victims of teen dating violence. Reports from adults who repeatedly witnessed domestic violence as children show that many suffer from trauma-related symptoms, depression, and low self-esteem.

Possible Symptoms in Children Exposed to Domestic Violence

•             Sleeplessness, fears of going to sleep, nightmares, dreams of danger;

•             Physical symptoms such as headaches or stomach-aches;

•             Hyper vigilance to danger or being hurt;

•             Fighting with others, hurting other children or animals;

•             Temper tantrums or defiant behaviour;

•             Withdrawal from people or typical activities;

•             Listlessness, depression, low energy;

•             Feelings of loneliness and isolation;

•             Current or subsequent substance abuse;

•             Suicide attempts or engaging in dangerous behaviour;

•             Poor school performance;

•             Difficulties concentrating and paying attention;

•             Fears of being separated from the non-abusing parent;

•             Feeling that his or her best is not good enough;

•             Taking on adult or parental responsibilities;

•             Excessive worrying;

•             Bed-wetting or regression to earlier developmental stages;

•             Dissociation;

•             Identifying with or mirroring behaviour of the abuser.

Children's Protective Factors in Response to Domestic Violence

Studies documenting the types of problems associated with children who are exposed to domestic violence reveal a wide variation in their responses to the violence. Children's risk levels and reactions to domestic violence exist on a continuum where some children demonstrate enormous resiliency while others show signs of significant maladaptive adjustment.

Protective factors such as social competence, intelligence, high self-esteem, outgoing temperament, strong sibling and peer relationships, and a supportive relationship with an adult, are thought to be important variables that help protect children from the adverse effects of exposure to domestic violence. In addition, research shows that the impact of domestic violence on children can be moderated by certain factors, including:

The nature of the violence: Children, who witness frequent and severe forms of violence, perceive the violence as their fault. Because they fail to observe their caretakers resolving conflict, these children may undergo more distress than children who witness fewer incidences of physical violence. The frequency with which they witness positive interactions between their caregivers also affects them.

Coping strategies and skills: Children with poor coping skills are more likely to experience problems than children with strong coping skills and supportive social networks. Children who utilize problem-solving strategies targeted directly at the source of disagreement demonstrate fewer maladaptive symptoms. Emotion-focused strategies, however, are less desirable because they often target internal responses to a stressful situation, which can result in less effective coping methods (e.g., children fantasizing that their parent's are "getting along").

The age of the child: Younger children appear to exhibit higher levels of emotional and psychological distress than older children. Age-related differences might result from older children's more fully developed cognitive abilities to understand the violence and select various coping strategies to alleviate upsetting emotions.

The time since exposure: Children are observed to have heightened levels of anxiety and fear immediately after a recent violent event. Fewer observable effects are seen in children the longer time has past after they have witnessed the violence.

Gender: In general, boys exhibit more "externalized" behaviour (e.g., aggression or acting out) while girls exhibit more "internalized" behaviour (e.g., withdrawal or depression). In addition, boys identify more with the male abuser and girls identify more with the female victim; both may continue these roles throughout life if the issues are not addressed.

The presence of child abuse: Children who witness domestic abuse and are physically abused demonstrate increased levels of emotional and psychological maladjustment than children who only witness violence and are not abused.       

 SOURCE

Register Plan For Domestic Abuse

BBC news : http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7931374.stm

The Abused

Did you know that one in eight women will be abused in her lifetime?
Did you know that there is no social, ethnic, cultual, religious, or financial boundary that defines an abuse victim?
Did you know that not all abused women are ugly, uneducated, weak, shy but that most of them used to be described as smart, funny, strong, well-liked, confident, pretty, beautiful, happy?

Did you know that while there is no single trait to make one vunerable to abuse, there are some common factors?

• Growing up with an abusive or domneering parent (while a major factor it does NOT mean she has to spend her life in abusive relationships)
• Physical or emotional distance from family and friends
• Low self-esteem and/or chronic depression
• Strong desire or need to be in a relationship
• Almost blind trust of others; sees only good in people
• Shyness or timidity
• Insecurities abaout self nd abilities
• Feelings of loneliness or a fear of being alone
• Kind-heartedness, especially toward unpopular or unwanted people
• Avoidance of making own decisions
• Strong belief that the man is the "head of the household"
• Recent traumatic experience such as a death of a loved one
• Sense of perfectionism-- always wanting to be and do their best

A woman can go from the happy, cheerful, outgoing person she has always been to the scared, timid, lonely person in just a matter of a few short weeks. However it usually takes longer for friends and family to see how serious the situation is. The sooner the signs are noticed, the sooner intervention can happen. There are some common characteristics to look for.

She:

• Suddenly changes her dress/appearance
• Avoids contact with friends or family
• Suddenly changes behavior; stops doing things she used to enjoy
• Spends all of her free time with him
• Cries a lot over insignificant things; has trouble focusing on normal tasks
• Complains abaout her abuser but gets defensive when someone else does
• Believes she is the cause of the anger/violence
• Feels guilty about the relationship
• Is stressed often with physical symptoms
• Accepts violence or anger as normal or denes that it exists
• Panics when asked to make a decision or give opinion, especially about the abuser
• Fears worse violence or death if she leaves
• Holds to the "good times" and believes that is who the abuser really is

Because you can't determine if a woman is being abused by one single test, you must look for things to tell you what is going on. Look for changes in her behavior, mannerisms, and feelings. These are good warning signs. Pay attention to how you feel. If you feel that something is wrong, it probably is.

*Taken from the book "Not Another Sarah" by Sarah E. Southerland

Characteristics That Might Identify a Potential Batterer

Below are some characteristics that might identify a potential batterer or abuser:

• Extreme dependence on relationships
• Rationalisation of his own violence, denial of the severity of the abuse or denial that the abuse occurred at all
• Rigid sex roles, believes men are superior and should be in charge of women
• Impulsive in decision-making
• General possessiveness and jealousy, which can reach pathological levels
• Focuses on fear of losing partner, often imagines partner is having an affair
• Not open to hearing options or rational explanations
• Tries to isolate partner from friends, family, and co-workers
• Difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings and oppression of emotions
• Sees violence as a problem solver and tension release
• May be mystified that the law should object (“after all, she is my wife”)
• May not feel guilty or ashamed, minimises or denies the abuse
• May have affairs
• Witnessed/experienced family violence while growing up
• Unrealistic expectations of self, partner, family, etc
• 'Jekyll and Hyde' personality
• Impulsive with explosive personality, flies into rages unexpectedly
  
• Rigid style of demanding and controlling behaviour
  
• Sees only short-term horizons, ignores/doesn't see long-term consequences of abusive behaviour
  
• Personality disorder(s)
• Possibly a criminal record
• Sometimes becomes more abusive when the partner is pregnant or shortly after she gives birth
  
• May display addictive behaviour (alcohol, drugs, overeating, gambling)
  
• Puts blame on spouse and accepts little responsibility for own behaviour
  
• Is extremely manipulative
  
• If in counselling, is primarily interested in keeping partner in the relationship, not in changing self
  
• Will end counselling as soon as partner returns or a new relationship is established
  
• Without counselling, will repeat the violence since there is no basic change in functioning
  

NSPCC DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CAMPAIGN

http://www.nspcccampaignwall.org.uk/

Dangerous Love

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00j2d9s/Dangerous_Love_A_Comic_Relief_Special/

Abuse and Silence

Secrets are part of what binds spousal victims to abusers. When you break the secret silence you take a giant step out into the light and freedom. It's hard to do, because no one wants everyone to know they've made a bad choice in a mate. They don't want pity or scorn. But breaking the silence often has to be done to get free.

Victims feel they have been living a lie by staying with the abuser, that people will think they are liars for letting everyone believe it was all right when it wasn't. But, it is not your responsibility to tell people what has been happening until you are ready and if you need to. Those who understand will praise and support you in telling.

SOURCE